SYNOPSIS

SYNOPSIS

To Kade Sanford Black, falling for his best friend Xanthie Lorenz, a serious and handsome songwriter, was a line he would not want to cross. Knowing full too well of the huge possibility of losing the only person who could see through him, he took a step back and put a distance to sustain their friendship — especially since Xanthie is soon to marry.

Kade spent his days reigning his urges and mastering self-control to hide his affection. However, no matter how Kade hides his affection, Xanthie who seems to be dense of Kade’s effort to reign his urges is making it more difficult for Kade and Kade’s effort of self-control has become a losing battle.

Would Kade be able to hold back his feelings until he sees Xanthie married? Or would he finally have the courage to confess his feelings … and risk losing the only friend he has?

Kade has to choose which path should he take… before it is too late.

CECELIB | C.C.

WARNING: MATURE CONTENT | R-18

INTRODUCTION

CONTENT WARNING:  This story contains depictions of suicide, self-harm, and mental health crises that may be upsetting for some readers. Any depictions of mental health issues herein are not meant as a replacement for medical care. If you or someone you know deals with similar issues, they should seek the help of a medical professional. Reader discretion is advised. If you or someone you know in the U.S. is contemplating suicide, please encourage them to call 988 or visit 988lifeline.org. For international resources, please visit: http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international-suicide-hotline s.html

“This is a work of fiction. While reference may be made to actual events or existing locations, the names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.”

CECELIB | C.C.

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 1

A HAPPY SMILE was immediately plastered on Kade’s lips after he personally received a wedding invitation from Xanthie. His best friend since grade nine. And upon checking the invitation, his lips curved. “Best man, huh?”

“It’s not like I have that many close friends,” Xanthie commented as he casually cleaned Kade’s messy art studio as if it was the most natural thing to do upon visiting. He was used to it.

“You have Jason,” Kade reminded Xanthie.

“Just a neighbor,” Xanthie responded lackadaisically.

“How about Stan?”

“Just a colleague.”

“Emmett?”

“Just an agent,” Xanthie remained indifferent. “You’re not allowed to say no, so stop recommending other people. That’s your spot.”

My spot, huh? Kade mused as he tightened his hold on the wedding invitation.

Suddenly, Xanthie stopped tidying up when he passed in front of Kade’s newly finished painting. “Your painting…”

“Hmm?” He glanced at Xanthie’s back. “What about it?”

“It has become more disturbing.” Kade didn’t respond, prompting Xanthie to look at him. “You…” He hesitated for a moment before asking, “Are you okay?”

Kade’s paintings had always been unsettling. Xanthie was not an art enthusiast, and he couldn’t understand paintings the way others could understand, but these past few months, he had seen subtle changes in Kade’s work.

From slightly unsettling to disturbing. It was like through the painting, the painter was being gradually swallowed by the darkness. Painting after painting.

“It’s just a theme for my upcoming exhibit,” Kade replied indifferently. “So, when’s the bachelor party?”

Xanthie turned to Kade with a deadpan look. “Did you not even look at the date?”

“Oh.” Kade intentionally did not look at it, but pretended that he forgot. He opened the invitation again to see the date. His eyebrow rose. “Seven months from now?” He looked at Xanthie. “Isn’t this invitation too early?”

Xanthie shrugged and went back to tidying up. “Fey said she wanted to be prepared months before the big day to avoid any problems.”

Kade nodded before putting the wedding invitation on his table then he returned to his seat in front of a blank canvas. “Just lock the door before you leave.”

Xanthie couldn’t help staring at Kade’s back after he heard those words. He had changed. He and Kade had always been close, but these past few years, especially these past few months, Kade had been distant.

When was the last time Kade accepted an invitation to drink together?

Just like his paintings, Kade was gradually changing. The more disturbing his paintings became, the more distance between them grew.

“Kade?”

“Hmm?”

“Let’s go have a drink tonight.”

“I have an appointment.”

Xanthie was not surprised anymore. “With whom?”

“Commission.”

“At night?”

“Yeah.”

Xanthie wanted to smack Kade’s head. As if that lie would fly, but what could he do? “Whatever. Just call if you feel like drinking. I’m free ’till next week.”

“Sure.”

Xanthie left Kade’s art studio knowing that Kade would never call. Meanwhile, Kade started to paint. He didn’t plan what to paint and just let his hand move and followed its rhythm. It was like he was painting a scene out of an unpleasant dream he had but couldn’t remember—only his hand could.

It was dark and grotesque.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, he lost interest and dropped the hand that was holding the brush to his lap. His eyes turned to the table where his art supplies were, and they landed on the sharp cutter knife next to the pallet knives.

His heart throbbed. Fear. Something he couldn’t control tried to devour him where he sat.

His whole body became cold. His eyes never left the cutter knife.

Unconsciously, he stood up and approached the table. He knew his hand was reaching for the cutter knife. He was aware of what he wanted to do with it. But he couldn’t stop. No, he didn’t stop himself even though there was a tiny voice in his head whispering to do it.

Now it was screaming at him to stop, while a much louder voice was urging him to go on.

He held the cutter knife and brought it to his wrist.

Just when he was about to harm himself, he saw a wedding invitation out of the corner of his eyes, distracting him from his initial plan.

Xanthie. He’s getting married.

Kade put the cutter knife back on to the table and muttered to himself, “Maybe after his wedding… yeah, let’s not give him a bad memory before his wedding. He deserves to be happy.”

Uninterested, he went back to sit in front of his canvas again, picked up his brush, and continued the painting he had just abandoned.

Kade easily forgot the time as he succumbed to his overwhelming desire to paint.

A deafening silence hour after hour.

Kade only realized that he had been painting the whole night when the sun peeked through the window in his studio and hit his face.

Morning, huh?

He placed his brush and paint palette down before he quietly took his anti-depressant pill and laid himself on his studio’s floor.

He closed his eyes and tried to sleep, but sleepiness didn’t come even after hours of staring at the ceiling.

He couldn’t sleep. Again. As usual.

Should I take a sleeping pill? But the doctor said not to be dependent on it. How could he not, though? It could make him fall asleep. And being asleep meant there would be no constant thoughts of harming himself.

No constant urges to die. No constant struggle to live. And no constant battle to survive.

Sleep had become synonymous with peace.

While asleep, he was at peace. But he couldn’t sleep. He remained awake for hours, battling with all the dark thoughts in his mind.

Calm down. There’s still Xanthie’s wedding. At least, survive until then. These were the words he constantly told himself when he felt like he was going to snap and succumb to his dark thoughts.

As usual, it didn’t work. He still wanted to disappear.

Kade got up and went back to painting. It was his way to distract himself. But he couldn’t take it anymore after a few hours. He carefully put down his pallet and brush and went to sit in the corner.

He was afraid. He didn’t know why. He didn’t know the reason. He was just afraid.

He pressed his back harder against the wall before he folded his knees and hugged himself while trembling slightly. His body was cold. His eyes were bloodshot.

Fear consumed him. He tried to breathe in and out. Long and deep. He tried everything he knew to control his fear, to defeat it, but it was getting worse. His heart was pounding hard.

With trembling hands, he reached for the other medicine in his pocket—the pill that could somehow help his attacks.

Hang in there. Just a few minutes and the medicine will start working. Hang in there. Hang in there.

Kade hung his head low and gripped his own hair with both hands as he waited for the medicine to take effect. His body was cold, he was trembling slightly, and his eyes were squeezed shut while he tried to remember his doctor’s advice.

Family… should I go see Mom? But his mother just went through a messy divorce. He didn’t want to burden her with his condition. She was already stressed enough. If she knew what was happening to him, it would only add to her burden.

Xanthie? No. I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t drag him to this. He’s getting married.

Hale? No. She’s also dealing a lot of shit.

This was one of those times when Kade realized that he didn’t really have friends that he could count on. Other than Hale and some acquaintances and colleagues, outside his family Xanthie was really all he had.

After his wedding, what am I going to do? To live, he had to find a reason or a purpose to keep going because he had a feeling that he would really die if he let himself go; though at the same time, he wouldn’t mind letting himself go.

He wanted to live and at the same time didn’t. What’s the point? Even at that moment, he felt empty.

I should’ve just

gone

to Hale’s club and

slept

with someone. It always helped, but only temporarily. Because the moment he got home, he would be alone again.

Kade inhaled and exhaled, trying not to think of what he could’ve done to escape this fear that was eating him up. He didn’t even know what he was so scared of. He had no idea. It would just abruptly consume him together with a feeling of emptiness he couldn’t bear.

Calm down. Calm down. You’re okay. You’ll be fine.

Kade didn’t know how long he had stayed in the corner. It had gotten dark while he gradually recovered from his attack. He then dragged himself, covered in cold sweat, to his bedroom.

He suddenly felt exhausted, and he wanted to rest.

His house was empty and silent. Only his uneven breathing and weak footsteps could be heard. But he pushed through even when his sight started to blur.

Just a few more steps.

Moments later, Kade passed out cold in the hallway, just outside his bedroom. He couldn’t even get himself to bed, but Kade couldn’t care less.

He was finally able to sleep. That’s all that mattered. Because only in his sleep could he find peace.

---

“AND YOU’RE here again.” Hale Gibson, owner of Hale’s club couldn’t help commenting after seeing Xanthie alone in the bar, drinking scotch. “What’s a groom doing here alone? Where’s the bride? Trouble in paradise?”

Xanthie didn’t look at Hale and continued drinking silently.

Hale’s gaze became flat. “Don’t make that face. You’re getting married. You should be happy and dancing in the clouds.”

Xanthie remained silent.

Hale made a drink for herself behind the counter and took a sip. “Hmm. I’m really a talented bartender.” She shamelessly praised herself, but there was still no response from Xanthie.

She sighed and drank while keeping an eye on Xanthie who was still silent.

Hale had met Xanthie through Kade. But even though she was closer to Kade, her friendship with Xanthie was not shallow. They had known each other since college.

Long silence passed before Xanthie’s voice was heard by Hale. “Is something going on with Kade?”

Hale continued drinking; her expression didn’t change as she answered, “Not that I know of.”

Xanthie became silent again. After a long while, he spoke. “His paintings have become darker.”

“Maybe it’s just a theme?”

Xanthie frowned. “That’s what he said too.”

“Then maybe it’s just a theme.”

Xanthie wanted to believe that, but in the back of his mind, something was telling him that it might not be the case. “It’s good if it’s just a theme.”

Hale stared at Xanthie before sighing. “Kade’s fine. I’m sure he’d tell you if something’s up.”

“That’s what I thought too a few months ago.” He finished his scotch. “But I don’t know anymore. I feel like something is up.”

Hale, who knew the reason Kade was distancing himself from Xanthie, looked away and drank her liquor. “He’s just really busy with his upcoming exhibit.”

“That’s what Mr. Daniel told me too.” Mr. Daniel was Kale’s agent.

Hale’s left eyebrow rose. She was surprised. “You called Mr. Daniel?”

“Yeah. I’d been friends with Kade since high school. He’s basically a brother to me. I know when something is up with him.”

Hale tried her best not to react to the word “brother” as she thought, I’m pretty sure the feeling is not mutual. “By the way, Xanthie, what’s up with your wedding? Why seven months from now? I thought everything was ready.”

“Fey is a perfectionist.”

“And you have no say in the matter?”

“I’m okay with anything she wants.”

Hale could only sigh. Xanthie had always been passive with his relationships. It was as if he didn’t care and just would let himself go with the flow. “Did Kade say anything about the date?”

“No. He didn’t.”

Hale made herself another drink. “Are you going to write a song for your wedding?”

“No. Fey wanted a classic wedding song.”

Hale didn’t say anything more. She expected that a famous songwriter like Xanthie Lorenz would write a song for his own wedding—he was, after all, known for his deep love songs—but it seemed like that was not the case.

Xanthie exhaled loudly before placing his glass on the bar. “I’m going.”

“You’re going back to Montréal?”

“Yeah.” Xanthie pulled his wallet from his back pocket and put a tip beside his empty glass. “I have to be at the airport in an hour.”

“Okay. Have a safe trip.”

Xanthie nodded. Before he left, he told Hale, “If something comes up with Kade, call me.”

Hale just nodded and watched Xanthie leave. Afterwards, she fetched her phone and called Kade, but it just kept ringing, and she was connected to voicemail.

“This is your babe, Hale. Xanthie just left my bar. He’s going home to Montréal. You’re free to visit my bar now, you bastard.” With a smile, she ended the voicemail and went back to work.

Inside an Uber on the way to the airport, Xanthie leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes.

The only reason he travelled to Toronto was to personally hand his wedding invitation to Kade and Hale. Now that he already did his objective, it was time to return to his home in Montréal.

But just after he arrived at the airport, he received an email from his airline informing him of flight delay. It was moved to 6:20 in the morning.

He grimaced and massaged the bridge of his nose.

“Ah, fuck.” He booked another Uber and chose the only address in his “saved places” in Toronto.

Kade’s place.

On the way, he called Kade, but he kept getting connected to his voicemail. So he just let it be, assuming Kade was busy painting and his phone was on silent mode.

In less than an hour, his ride stopped in front of Kade’s house. He frowned when he saw that it was dark inside.

“Does he really have an appointment?” Wondering about it, Xanthie approached Kade’s door and entered the right code to open it.

Entering and closing the door behind him, he went straight to Kade’s studio to check while turning on the lights.

Xanthie carefully opened the door to the studio so as not to disturb him if he was painting, but what welcomed him was darkness and silence.

“Kade?”

He opened the door wide and entered while turning on the light.

There was no one inside.

Xanthie stepped out of the studio and called Kade’s phone. It just kept on ringing. When he reached the living room, his eyebrows furrowed when he heard the sound of a phone faintly ringing on the second floor.

“Kade?” Xanthie followed the sound and frowned when he saw Kade’s phone on the hallway, outside the master’s bedroom. “The hell?”

Xanthie picked it up before knocking on the master’s bedroom door and carefully opening the it. “Kade?” Same as every other part of the house when he arrived, it was dark.

“Turn on the lights.” Xanthie used a voice command to open the lights in the master’s bedroom.

He was momentarily blinded by the sudden burst of brightness, and when his eyesight returned, he saw Kade lying on the bed on his front, sleeping.

Xanthie shook his head and used the quilt to cover Kade’s body before placing his phone on the bedside table and stepping out of the room. And since he was already familiar with the house, he went straight to the guest room after locking up.

After setting an alarm for the next day, Xanthie decided to go to sleep early since he had to wake up early.

However, his sleep was interrupted in the middle of the night when he heard the door to his room open and he felt the bed dip. He opened his eyes and saw Kade sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at the floor.

Xanthie slightly rubbed his eyes and blinked countless times. “Kade?”

Kade turned to him. “What are you doing here?”

“My flight got delayed.”

“Ah.” Kade left the bed and went to sit on the long sofa on the side of the room. “When did you arrive?”

“Past nine, I think.”

Relief crossed Kade’s eyes, but it immediately disappeared. Xanthie didn’t see it.

“You look like shit, by the way,” Xanthie added, seeing Kade’s eye bags.

Kade just chuckled and laid himself on the sofa then closed his eyes as if to sleep. But he spoke. “Xanthie?”

“Hmm?”

Xanthie waited for Kade’s next words, but they didn’t come. He heard a soft snore instead.

He just shook his head and went back to sleep, his back to Kade. The last thing on his mind was Kade’s tone when he called his name.

Kade sounded like he was asking for help.

CECELIB | C.C.

CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 2

WHEN KADE WOKE up, he was still on the sofa in the guest room. The difference was he now had a quilt covering his body and a pillow underneath his head. He knew without thinking that it was Xanthie and he also knew that Xanthie was probably already on his way home to Montréal.

Pushing himself up, he threw the quilt and the pillow onto the bed, then left the guest room. He hadn’t eaten since yesterday, so he dragged himself toward the kitchen to prepare himself a simple breakfast before he started painting.

However, when he got there and was opening the fridge to see if he had any decent ingredients left, he saw a note stuck to the refrigerator’s door with Xanthie’s handwriting on it.

‘Food in the fridge. Just reheat it.’

Kade plucked away the note and sighed while reading Xanthie’s handwriting a few times.

“What am I going to do when you’re like this…” Kade muttered under his breath before he pocketed Xanthie’s note and followed his instructions.

There were some pancakes and a few strips of bacon in the fridge, and he reheated them.

That’s how his day started.

Breakfast. Medicine. Studio. Paint. Lunch. Paint. Order takeout at dinner. Medicine again. Then his endless struggle to sleep. And then repeat. It became a cycle until Andrew Daniel, his agent, visited.

“You look like shit.” Those were Andrew’s words the moment he saw Kade. “Have you even taken a bath?” 

“… I’m not feeling it,” Kade replied with his focus on the canvas in front of him. “What are you doing here? I told you I’ll call once I’m done.”

Andrew leaned against the side of the door. He was only two years older than Kade, but Kade looking like shit made Andrew look younger. “I’m here to do a wellness check. You’re welcome.”

Kade’s brush stroke continued. His movement was elegant and refined. As if he was not painting a grotesque bloody hand. “What wellness check?”

“Xanthie Lorenz sent me.” Andrew said, and Kade’s hand holding the brush stopped. “He called and asked me to check-up on you from time to time. So as your amazing, very dedicated and loving agent, here I am. In the flesh.”

Kade’s hand went back to the painting. “I’m fine.”

Andrew sighed and became serious. “Kade, you need rest. As your agent, I’m happy with your paintings, but as a friend, your art exhibit can wait. Just get some sleep and have some fun. Go fuck around or something. You look like shit. Really.”

“I will rest when I want to.”

Andrew clicked his tongue in annoyance. “Always stubborn.”

“I want my exhibit to happen before Xanthie’s wedding. I’ll rest after that.”

Andrew decided to let Kade be until he heard Kade’s next words, which made him freeze.

“Can you find me a lawyer? I want to write a will.”

Lots of questions entered Andrew’s mind, but he calmed his thoughts and stared at Kade before replying as his agent. The bastard won’t listen to him, anyway. “Sure. When do you want to meet a lawyer?”

“After the exhibit.”

“Okay.”

“Look for a buyer for this house as well. I’m selling it.”

Andrew couldn’t stop himself anymore. “Sell it? Where are you gonna live?”

“Doesn’t matter.” Kade responded as if it was only a minor decision. “After the exhibit, I plan to rest until Xanthie’s wedding. I don’t know when I will paint again, so can you find me a storage unit where I can store my art tools?”

Andrew was confused. “Storage unit and not an art studio?”

“Yeah.”

Andrew looked at Kade incredulously. He couldn’t understand Kade’s decision, but he was sure of one thing—Kade seemed like he was preparing for something.

“Okay. Leave it to me,” was all Andrew could say. He was Kade’s agent, and it was part of his responsibility to do what Kade requested.

However, as a friend who was concerned, he knew he had to contact Xanthie.

“Anyway,” Andrew straightened his body and put his hands in his pockets. “My wellness check is done. Call me if you need anything.”

Andrew was about to leave when he heard Kade speak again.

“Don’t tell Xanthie.”

Andrew only stilled for a split second, then he casually nodded and replied. “Sure thing. I’ll keep my mouth shut.”

Kade grunted and continued painting. Concurrently, Andrew left Kade’s house and went straight to his car. Before he turned on his car’s engine, he called Xanthie, who picked up after a few rings.

Andrew didn’t let Xanthie speak. “Kade wants to write a will and sell his house. He also wants me to find a storage unit for his art tools—”

“Not a studio?”

Andrew sighed heavily. “Yes. Not a studio. I feel like he’s readying for something.” He clicked his tongue. “He will never listen to me as a friend, so I will stick to my job as his agent. You do the friend stuff, but mention nothing about the will and his house. He’ll immediately know that I told you. I’m pretty sure he’ll cut me off if he found out that I tattled after he clearly warned me not to tell you.”

Xanthie’s lips thinned. “He told you not to tell me?”

“Yeah.”

“Thanks.”

“Sure.”

The call ended and on the other end, Xanthie was massaging the bridge of his nose while seated in front of a piano.

“Does your head hurt?”

Xanthie glanced at the woman placing a cup of coffee on the table next to the piano where his laptop was. “Thanks for the coffee, Fey.”

Fey smiled and glanced at his phone that was facing down on the table. “Did something happen? You look stressed.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Is it Kade again?”

That startled Xanthie. “What?”

“You only make that face when Kade is doing something behind your back.” Fey observed and smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Just like when he left Montréal and settled in Toronto without telling you.”

Xanthie’s face darkened. “Fey—”

“What?” Fey’s smile became innocent. “Anyway, your agent, Emmett, came over just a few minutes ago. He didn’t want to disturb you when I told him you’re in the studio and just told me to tell you that the project you have to work on in Toronto next week has been moved to the first week of fall.”

“Noted. Thanks.”

“And Dr. Stan called this morning to relay a message. Your grandfather wants to see you.”

Xanthie just nodded, and Fey excused herself.

Alone in his own studio, Xanthie leaned back in his seat and continued massaging the bridge of his nose. He didn’t have the drive to finish the song he was composing after he heard about his grandfather.

What is it this time? He was truly exhausted, but it was his grandfather, who had raised him well since his parents abandoned him. If there was one person he didn’t want to disappoint, it was his grandfather, who was terminally ill.

Exhaling a loud breath, he looked at the sheet music he was making on his laptop, then at the piano in front of him. He had been trying to finish this song for a movie, but he couldn’t seem to feel the desperation, emptiness, and death in his lyrics and melody.

The movie was about a singer-songwriter who was suffering from depression. And the song he had to compose was the singer-songwriter’s last song for his wife, who had died of an illness before he let himself succumb to death.

He knew the premise of the movie. He had also asked to read the script, and the director sent it to him so he could feel the character’s emotions, but he couldn’t fully grasp them. 

Desperation. The constant but silent scream for help. Emptiness. Then the pledge of devotion and love in the midst of death.

Xanthie sighed before his fingers pressed the piano keys again and went back to creating the melody that would coincide with the singer-songwriter’s thoughts and emotions. From there, he slowly drafted the lyrics.

Time seemed to speed up as Xanthie wrote the song for the movie. When his eyes landed on his wristwatch, it was already past dinner time.

Stretching his back and arms, he let his fingers and brain rest. In the meantime, he left his studio and went to the kitchen. Fey had already made dinner and his portion was in the refrigerator according to the note left on the table.

Xanthie reheated his dinner. While waiting, he leaned against the kitchen counter and opened his social media without even thinking about it. The first thing he saw was Hale’s post.

It was a picture of Hale and Kade in the bar. Both were holding a drink. It was posted an hour ago. Kade looked fine, but there were dark shadows under his eyes.

“Did he not sleep again and just keep painting?” Xanthie mumbled to himself before he closed his social media and sent a message to Kade with a screen shot of Hale’s post.

Xanthie: You look like shit.

Xanthie was about to close his messaging app when he saw the typing indicator bubble.

He’s replying? Xanthie was surprised. These past few months, Kade seldom replied to his messages.

Kade: I think you’ll look way better naked.

Drunk texting? Xanthie’s eyes narrowed as he replied: I suggest you turn your phone off. You’ll regret it.

Kade: Regret wanting to see you naked?

Xanthie let out a sigh and called Hale, who answered immediately. “What’s up?”

“How many glasses has Kade had since you posted that photo?”

Kade had been drinking since this afternoon. Of course he’s drunk, but Hale covered for Kade  since it’s Xanthie on the other end. Kade wanted to be as well behaved as possible when it came to Xanthie. So Hale lied and answered, “Just three.”

Xanthie’s eyebrows furrowed. “Then why did he send me a message saying I’ll look better naked if he’s not drunk texting?”

You dumbass! Hale shouted in her mind before calmly responding. “Oh. Probably mis-sent.” Without hesitation, Hale instantly saved Kade’s ass while storming toward the bar where Kade was. “He’s not drunk.”

“… Is he dating again?”

Hale noticed the brief pause, but did not dwell on it. “What dating? You know Kade. Sleeping around is his middle name. He’s probably flirting with someone again.”

“Oh. That’s good. At least he won’t get bored.”

Hale quickly grabbed the phone in Kade’s hand when she neared him and then hid it under the bar.

“What are you doing?” Kade asked Hale with a frown.

‘Shut up!’ Hale mouthed to Kade and continued speaking to Xanthie on the other end. “Yeah. At least he’s not bored—”

“Is that Kade? Can I talk to him?”

Hale gave Kade a warning glare and covered her mobile phone’s mouthpiece to talk to Kade. “It’s Xanthie. Behave for your own good.” Then she handed her phone to Kade.

Xanthie was taking out his dinner from the microwave when he heard Kade’s voice.

“Xanthie…”

Xanthie placed his dinner on the kitchen counter and closed the microwave. “Drunk?”

As sober as he could, Kade replied. “No.”

“That’s good. By the way, can I stay at your place next week? I have a project in Toronto.”

It took Kade a few seconds to answer. “… how long will you be staying?”

“Probably two weeks. Max.”

Kade wanted to say ‘no’, but he had no reason to since he was always alone in his big house. “Sure. Just come over.”

“Great. Thanks.”

“Yeah.” Kade was ready to say goodbye, but Xanthie however still wanted to talk while casually eating dinner.

“Should I bring you some bagels?”

Kade’s head was spinning, and he was gripping the edge of the bar, trying to sound sober. “Sure. Whatever you want.”

“How about Fey’s homemade jam?”

That actually sobered up Kade a little. “Nah. I’m cool. I don’t really like jam that much.”

Xanthie’s lips curved up. “Is that so?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Just the bagels then.”

“Hmm. Gotta go now. Hale wants her phone back.” In actuality, Hale was busy mixing drinks, and she raised her eyebrow when she heard what Kade said. “Bye.”

“Sure. Bye.”

The call ended and Kade let out a loud breath and ordered another glass of whiskey, which made Hale shake her head.

“I’m not giving you your phone back,” Hale said when she got hers back from Kade and put a glass of whiskey on the bar in front of him. “For safety purposes.”

Kade just grunted and went back to drinking. Hoping that after drowning himself with liquor, he’ll be able to fall asleep and be at peace even for a little while.

CECELIB | C.C.

CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 3

COMING FROM his therapy session, Kade arrived back at his house just before dinner. He had no appetite, so he didn’t bother buying himself something to eat. After that tiring session with his therapist, all he wanted to do was to paint until he was so exhausted that he would fall asleep the moment his back hit the mattress.

Since when did I think of painting as a tool to exhaust myself? That thought made Kade freeze as he parked his car in the garage, and he felt even more mentally exhausted.

He loved painting. He loved how his painting could unnerve and disturb a human mind to the point that they would ask themselves how it could overlap with reality and how one painting could convey numerous emotions.

But now, I just paint so I can vent and put my dark, uncontrollable thoughts onto the canvas.

Kade gripped the steering wheel and whispered, “Since when… did I become like this?”

He had no answer. He hadn’t even realized until now.

“Fuck…”

Kade gripped a handful of his hair before forcing himself to step out of the car and dragged himself toward his house.

There was no point asking himself the question when he had no answer for it. What was important now was that he hadn’t had any attacks lately. His mind was not at peace, but it had become bearable. He didn’t know if it was because of the medicines, but he was pretty sure they were a big help.

Without his doctor’s prescribed medicines, Kade didn’t know what could’ve happened to him since last year. Though the medicines helped, he could still feel that his mental state was not stable.

He had been grappling with his depression for more than a year now, and it was a losing battle. When Xanthie told him he was getting married a couple of months ago, that was when he consulted a psychiatrist. He wanted to be okay at Xanthie’s wedding. He wanted to be there for his best friend on his special day. Giving Xanthie bad memories was the last thing on his mind.

His fear that he might have an attack during Xanthie’s wedding was the reason he kept seeing and listening to his psychiatrist. Because he knew, at Xanthie’s wedding, he wouldn’t be mentally stable.

That fear that consumes me every attack… what is it?,  He kept asking himself. What is it that I fear? What is it that I want? What is it that can make me happy again—

The bright light inside his house when he went in pulled Kade from his reverie.

What… I’m pretty sure I turned off the lights before I left, he thought, and was about to investigate when he walked through the kitchen door and saw a familiar figure in front of the stove, cooking.

“Xanthie?”

The figure turned around to face him, and it was indeed Xanthie. “Go freshen up and come back. Dinner will be ready in fifteen minutes.”

Kade was still staring at Xanthie’s back from outside the kitchen door. His mind was buffering until he remembered that Xanthie would be living in his house for two weeks because of work.

“If you don’t want to freshen up, at least wash your hands.” Xanthie’s voice filled the kitchen  when he turned around and saw Kade still silently standing outside the door.

“I’ll go freshen up,” Kade replied in a low voice after a little while.

Hearing Kade’s fading footsteps, Xanthie glanced at the kitchen’s door, and then his eyes landed on the refrigerator to the side.

It had nothing inside other than boxes of juice, pitchers of water, and some leftover pizzas and unfinished takeout.

He used to have a full refrigerator that I would scold him for stocking up so often, Xanthie thought and sighed. “What’s happening to him?” He couldn’t help but worry that something serious was going on.

He had two weeks to figure out what the hell was going on with Kade. Two weeks. It was a good thing that the song project was cancelled and he had two weeks off.

Sighing to himself, he started setting the dining table.

How long had it been since he cooked and shared a meal with Kade? It was last year. Was it when he told Kade he’s getting married? Yeah. That was the last time. Ever since Kade left Montréal, they seldom saw each other. He was so busy with work and wedding preparations that he could hardly visit Kade.

“Hmm. Smells nice.”

Xanthie’s eyes snapped toward the kitchen door and saw Kade with a lopsided smile as he entered the kitchen. Kade had already changed into his casual clothes and was smiling.

Just like old times.

But Xanthie couldn’t shake off the feeling that there was something different in Kade’s smile. It felt as if something was missing.

“Take a seat. I cooked your favorite.”

Kade smiled helplessly at Xanthie as he took a seat. “What am I going to do without you?”

“It’s not like you’re going to lose me,” Xanthie countered as he placed Kade’s favorite, ginger beef, on the dining table.

“You’re getting married, and I live a five hour drive away from you,” Kade pointed out. “You can’t keep taking care of me, Xanthie.”

“Why not?”

Kade stilled and looked at Xanthie, who sounded pissed just now. And Xanthie was indeed frowning at him.

“What do you mean ‘why not’?” Kade frowned back. “You have to take care of your family.”

“Aren’t you family?”

That silenced Kade. Xanthie put the bagels he bought for Kade on the table. “Let’s eat.”

In the stiff atmosphere, Kade silently dug in and inwardly smiled when he tasted Xanthie’s familiar cooking.

He missed it.

Kade’s chest tightened, and it ached. He tried to control the pain, but it only spread even more throughout his body. As if it was reminding him that he could never have Xanthie and that this familiar taste of cooking would disappear soon.

Kade lost his appetite, but he continued eating and just sucked it up. He had become used to the pain. He should be immune by now, but here he was, still feeling it.

“What time are you going to work tomorrow?” Kade asked to dispel the stiff atmosphere around them.

“I’ll be working from home,” Xanthie smoothly lied. He didn’t actually have any work here. He just came to check on Kade.

“Seriously?” Kade looked at Xanthie with a frown. “If you can work from home, doesn’t that mean you didn’t have to come here and could’ve just stayed at your place?”

“I have to attend some meetings.”

“Oh.” Kade honestly wanted to get rid of Xanthie fast. The longer Xanthie stayed here, the bigger the chance he’d figure out that something was wrong with him. Xanthie had always been sharp. “Well, I’ll be busy painting, so just make yourself at home.”

“Sure. I will.”

The dinner continued while they had short conversations with each other, as if they were back in old times. Kade tried his best to act and sound like old times, but it was hard, especially when smiling had become a chore to him.

“Just leave it in the sink,” said Kade after dinner as Xanthie started cleaning the table. “I’ll take care of it. I can’t have my guest do the dishes.”

Xanthie stilled, and he couldn’t move for a couple of seconds. When did I become a guest? He glanced at Kade who was busy with his phone. They never treated each other as guests in each other’s houses. That’s why he was taken aback when Kade referred to him as a “guest.”

Did I leave him alone so much that I’m a guest now?

“I’ll do the dishes. Just go paint,” Xanthie said and did the dishes silently.

Xanthie heard the chair move, and he was expecting Kade to leave, but Kade walked toward him, leaned against the countertop next to the kitchen, and then watched him wash the dishes.

Kade didn’t say anything. He just watched him. And from time to time, Kade would check his phone as if he was waiting for someone’s message.

“Hey, Xanthie.” Kade finally spoke.

“What?”

“You’ll be fine alone here in my house, right?”

He glanced at Kade, his eyes were questioning. “What do you mean?”

Kade played with his phone by balancing it between his thumb and forefinger. “I’m meeting someone. I’ll probably stay the night and come home tomorrow.”

Xanthie went back to washing the dishes. “One of your flings again?”

“Yeah.”

“Since when did you start staying the night with your flings?”

Since I don’t want to sleep under the same roof as you, Kade answered in his mind before he gave Xanthie a “safe” answer. “Just recently. So, can I leave you here alone?”

Xanthie felt like Kade was asking him if he could go to his fling with his permission, which was odd, but he was used to it at this point. This was not the first time Kade had been like this. When they were still roommates in college, Kade never failed to ask his permission.

And he always gave the same answer. “Just go, but don’t stay the night. I’m making you a healthy breakfast tomorrow.”

“Okay. See ya.” Kade was quick to leave, and Xanthie was left alone in Kade’s huge house.

Xanthie finished the dishes, tidied up the kitchen, checked the lock and security system, and then went to bed in the guest room.

Lying alone on the bed—it was deafening.

In this huge house, how the hell did Kade manage to live here alone?

Xanthie got up and silently sat on the bed. All he could hear was the ticking of the clock and his own breathing.

“Fuck.” Xanthie clicked his tongue and ruffled his own hair before leaving the guest room and walking toward the piano room with his laptop and sheet music.

Xanthie was planning to pass his time writing a song, when he arrived at the piano room and saw that there was no piano inside. He even double-checked, thinking that he was in the wrong room, but he didn’t make a mistake.

He was in the correct room. It was the piano that was not there.

Everything in the room was the same as he remembered. Except for the missing piano at the center.

He wanted to call Kade and ask, but he was pretty sure he was busy at the moment.

At that moment, his phone rang.

It was Fey.

“I just came home. Where are you?”

“Toronto.”

Fey couldn’t help letting out a sigh. “I thought your work in Toronto was cancelled. What are you doing there?”

“Just checking in on Kade.”

“When will you be back?”

“I’ll be back in two weeks.”

Fey’s eyebrow rose. “Your work was cancelled, but you chose to hang out with your best man for two weeks rather than spend time with your bride. Don’t you think your priorities are a little screwed up?”

“It’s Kade, Fey,” Xanthie said as if that was enough of a reason.

Fey was not surprised by Xanthie’s answer. He had always been like this when it was a matter concerning Kade. “You should be thankful that your bride is very forgiving.”

Xanthie smiled. “Thanks, Fey.”

Fey sighed again, and her tongue became sharp. “Xanthie, did it even occur to you that maybe Kade doesn’t want you to check up on him?”

It did . “I don’t care.”

Of course, he doesn’t care, Fey thought and continued. “Have you ever asked yourself why Kade left Montréal and moved to a different city five hours’ drive away from you?”

“I don’t care about his reason. He’s my best friend, Fey. Who would care for him if not me?”

Fey became silent before she let the topic go. “Whatever. Just come home before your grandfather calls for you again.”

“I will.”

“I’m hanging up now. Call me if you need anything.”

“Yeah, you too.”

The call ended, and Xanthie stared at the screen of his phone for a little while.

It was indeed a good decision to tie the knot with Fey even though they lacked the sweetness a groom and a bride should have. No one understood him better than her. He dated a few over the years, and Fey was different from everyone else.

Xanthie slid his phone back into his pocket and picked up the guitar in the corner of the piano room and then stepped out.

Sitting on the long sofa inside the guest room, Xanthie passed the time composing a song with the guitar. He was just strumming the strings at first while humming the melody in his head. Then he turned it into chords and slowly added the lyrics that had been playing in his mind.

Then a knock broke his concentration.

It would be natural for him to get pissed at the person who messed up his focus. However, he heard the culprit’s voice calling his name, and he just found himself stopping his work to open the door.

“You’re back early,” Xanthie commented.

Kade just stared at Xanthie for a couple of seconds, and without saying anything, he took a step closer, then rested his forehead against his shoulder as if exhausted.

Kade closed his eyes the moment he felt Xanthie’s hand patting the back of his head. The warmth of Xanthie’s hand and his scent invading his nostrils made Kade’s dark, chaotic mind slowly calm down.

Xanthie didn’t ask him anything. As usual. He just let Kade be while patting the back of his head as if comforting him.

Kade sighed to himself. This was the reason he couldn’t move on. Xanthie always indulged him like this. However close and affectionate he would get, he never questioned his gestures—or how suggestive they were—and always naturally accepted them. He had been suppressing his growing affection for Xanthie over the years. He even moved to a different city, but there were times that he would slip and act on his feelings. And in those times, Xanthie never told him off.

At first, Kade thought he had a chance, but later realized that Xanthie was just too straight to give meaning to his gestures. Thus, he chose friendship. It was the safest role in Xanthie’s life, and he planned to hold that position until the day he died.

Kade took a deep breath before pulling away and stepping back from Xanthie. He was finished recharging. It was enough to last until Xanthie’s wedding.

“Sorry.” He gave Xanthie a lopsided smile. “I had too much to drink.”

“Always irresponsible.” Xanthie clicked his tongue as his face darkened. “How many times do I have to tell you not to drive while under the influence of alcohol?”

Kade just smiled innocently at Xanthie.

“That’s not going to work on me this time.” Xanthie was pissed. He crossed his arms over his chest. “What if something happened to you?”

“But nothing happened.” Kade was smiling as usual before pulling a face. “Have mercy on me, Xanthie. My night didn’t go well.”

Xanthie sighed and went back inside his room. “Is that why you’re back early?”

Kade followed Xanthie to the long sofa and took a seat beside Xanthie. “Yeah.”

“She must’ve realized you’re just playing around.”

Kade had a wry smile on his lips as he watched Xanthie pick up the guitar lying on the center table. I wonder what his reaction will be if he finds out that it’s a “he” and not a “she”? Xanthie had never been prejudiced against the LGBTQ community, but that was because it had nothing to do with him.

Kade wondered what Xanthie would say if he found out that his best friend was gay?

Although he had no plan to come out to Xanthie, Kade often thought about what Xanthie would say if he ever did.

Oh, well. No use thinking of things that will never happen. Kade leaned back on the sofa and closed his eyes while listening to Xanthie composing a song. For Kade, who hadn’t had a good night’s sleep for weeks, was not aware that he was leaning on Xanthie’s shoulder while dozing off.

He was also not aware of how Xanthie stopped working so as to not disturb his sleep.

CECELIB | C.C.

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 4

KADE PROPPED his elbow on the dining table as he silently watched Xanthie make breakfast for the both of them. He should be in his studio, painting, but here he was, watching his unrequited love since he was feeling good today.

Well, he had been feeling all right lately. His insomnia had not been acting up, and there were no attacks either. Ever since the night Xanthie first arrived, his good night’s sleep had been constant.

Although there was a drawback to his good night’s sleep—he had to sleep close to Xanthie for his insomnia to not act up.

And of course, as expected, the straight Xanthie was not bothered by sleeping in the same bed as him at all.

He still remembered Xanthie’s second night in his house. He told Xanthie he couldn’t sleep properly and his presence would somehow help him alleviate his insomnia, and Mr. Straight Guy just accepted it. Naturally. And let him sleep in the same bed.

“I think I’m going to go crazy…” Kade muttered under his breath and stiffened when Xanthie, who was making breakfast, turned to face him.

“What did you say?”

“Nothing,” Kade mumbled and changed the topic. “Are you not going home to Fey? I mean, I’m pretty sure you don’t have a meeting this weekend. You can just come back Monday morning.”

“Don’t bother yourself with Fey. I call her every day.”

Kade frowned at Xanthie’s back. He liked that Xanthie was here, but if it was at the expense of Fey feeling bad, he’d rather push Xanthie to go home. “Man, you should go home this weekend. Two weeks is a long time for an engaged couple to be away from each other.”

“It’s fine.”

Xanthie’s indifferent response was irritating Kade. He left Montréal to get away from Xanthie and Fey and to give them their privacy because Xanthie had a bad habit of always inviting him over  to eat.

Kade was the one who left so Xanthie could focus more on Fey. After all, Kade had chosen friendship and he wanted Xanthie to be happy. But look at this bastard leaving his soon-to-be wife alone for too long.

Kade clicked his tongue. “Xanthie, your priorities are messed up, man. You should go home this weekend.”

“How about your insomnia?”

Kade was looking at Xanthie so incredulously that he wanted to smack his head. “It’s just insomnia. I’ll live. Go and prioritize your bride for fuck’s sake. She’s going to be your wife, and you’re going to build a family with her.” His chest tightened, but he continued. “You have to prioritize her more than anyone.”

“Now you sound like Grandfather,” Xanthie whispered, but Kade heard him.

“Because that’s the right thing to do, Xanthie.” Kade let out a loud sigh and leaned back in his seat. “If you’re not going to prioritize her, you shouldn’t have bothered proposing marriage.”

Xanthie didn’t respond.

Kade glanced at Xanthie’s stiff back. He didn’t want to say it because he had been really happy with Xanthie here, but Xanthie was different from him. This guy saw him as a family member—like a brother—but the feeling was not mutual on his side. His feelings for Xanthie were not that innocent.

“Xanthie, you should stop caring for me.”

Xanthie became even more rigid, and he looked like he was in utter shock when he turned to look at Kade, his eyes asking for an explanation.

Seeing Xanthie’s ugly expression, Kade explained calmly, “I didn’t mean it in a bad way. You can call me any time to check up on me—”

“So that you can lie to me over the phone?”

Kade stiffened.

Seeing Kade’s surprised expression Xanthie scoffed. “What? You think I’m too dumb to notice that something is wrong with you? I’m your best friend, Kade. Who would care for you if not me?”

Kade fixed the expression on his face and smiled at Xanthie as if reassuring him. “I’m fine, Xanthie. Nothing is wrong.”

“Yeah, right.”

Kade’s gaze didn’t waver, and he continued looking straight into Xanthie’s eyes. “I’m really fine, Xanthie. So go back to your family already.”

“You are family, Kade.”

“Thank you, but I’m talking about a different kind of family.”

Xanthie looked down before facing the stove again. “I’m staying this weekend. I’ll go home on schedule.”

Kade wanted to scream in frustration. Xanthie had always been stubborn, but this was just too much. He blew out a loud breath and left the kitchen to avoid snapping at Xanthie for being unreasonable.

But he couldn’t really reprimand Xanthie. He had an ulterior motive for why he was pushing him to go home.

He didn’t want to get used to Xanthie being here. He didn’t want to get used to Xanthie’s cooking and warmth. Because at the end of the day, Xanthie would leave and go back to Fey.

Wouldn’t it be less painful if Xanthie would leave early?

His thoughts were interrupted when he heard his phone ring from his jeans pocket. To his surprise, it was his mother.

“Mom,” he said as he entered his studio and closed the door. “What’s up?”

“Oh, nothing. I just want to know how my son is doing.”

Kade stood in the middle of his studio. “I’m good. How about you?” He was a bit withdrawn as he asked. He didn’t really have a pleasant relationship with his mother ever since he came out to her.

For his mother, his sexual orientation falls to the “not normal” category.

He remembered trying his best to be “straight” after he saw how his mother rejected his sexual orientation when he came out to her. She told him it was just a “phase” and that he shouldn’t tell his father. Right there and then, he knew that he was not accepted. His mother never said any hurtful words, but he could feel her rejection from miles away. That was the reason he seldom looked at his mother’s eyes. He didn’t want to see the disappointment in their depths.

“Still there? Kade?”

Kade pulled away from his thoughts as he massaged his temple. “Sorry, Mom. I was just thinking of something.”

“Oh. Anyway, as I was saying, your uncle Johan called me last night. He dropped a bomb on me about your cousin. He’s getting married.”

Kade’s eyebrow furrowed. “Keiran is getting married?”

“Yes! Keiran and his partner are planning to hold the wedding here since same-sex marriage is not possible in their home country.”

Kade’s lips parted. He felt like his strength was zapped out. “Same-sex?”

“Yeah. I was shocked when I heard it, but your aunt Stella seemed like she really adored Keiran’s partner, Raiven. She wouldn’t stop talking about how amazing her son-in-law is. She’s been talking my ear off every call. She always gushes about Raiven…”

Kade subconsciously tuned out his mother’s voice as he thought of Keiran. His emotions were all over the place. He wanted to be happy for Keiran, but he couldn’t help resenting his cousin. Just when? He assumed Keiran was straight, and he was always compared to Keiran growing up, even more so after coming out to his mother. He couldn’t remember how many times his mother told him to be like Keiran, who was heterosexual.

For some reason, he felt betrayed. Not by his cousin, but by the situation he put himself through to be as “straight” as Keiran, just so he wouldn’t hear the words “not normal” from the family member whose acceptance meant so much to him.

Kade took a deep breath to control his raging emotions and chaotic mental state. “I’m sorry, Mom. I’ll call you back—”

“Wait, Kade, I still have something to say—”

“Bye.” He ended the call and hurriedly opened the floor-to-ceiling glass window to breathe. He felt suffocated. He couldn’t breathe properly. “Fuck!” He felt like everything was falling apart around him. He was angry and frustrated.

First Xanthie, then his mother, and then Keiran.

With his cold hands, he crouched down, and yanked a handful of his hair out. And gut-wrenching, agonizing scream filled the whole studio. And in that huge house, even with how loud Kade’s scream was, it never reached the kitchen—it didn’t reach Xanthie.

He was angry, frustrated, and resentful. His emotions were all over the place. He was a mess. And alone inside his locked studio, he screamed to get this suffocating, numbing, excruciating feeling out of his chest.

It was maddening, and it triggered his anxiety. He knew an attack was coming.

Breathing hard and scrambling toward his table in the studio, he pulled open the bottom drawer and took out the medicine that could somehow control his attacks. He swallowed the pill with water from the bottle in the same drawer.

Afterwards, he dragged himself to sit on his chair in front of his table and did the breathing exercise his psychiatrist had taught him.

Breathe in and breathe out then repeat until the pounding in his chest stabilized.

As the hand of the clock moved from seconds to minutes, his mind gradually became clear, but he felt weak, exhausted, and out of strength. This was the effect of the medicine on him.

It calmed his mind, but he got weak to the point of passing out.

Therefore, when the locked door to his studio was forcibly opened, Kade was already out cold while sweat covered his body. He didn’t see Xanthie’s anxious expression when Xanthie saw him unconscious and pale.

“Kade!”

Kade could vaguely hear and feel someone’s presence beside him, not leaving his side. He would sometimes hear a muffled voice, someone calling his name again and again until his subconscious disappeared and he fell deeply asleep.

Oblivious to how many hours had passed, Kade finally came around, and the first thing he saw was Xanthie, who was sitting on the chair in front of his canvas, just staring at his grotesque unfinished painting.

Maybe sensing him awake, Xanthie turned his head to him, and the relief that filled his handsome face was something Kade could never forget.

Xanthie did not ask what happened or why he passed out. All he asked was a simple question but a hard one to answer. “Are you okay now?”

Kade knew he was not okay. He was aware that he was not mentally stable. But he didn’t want to burden the people around him, especially Xanthie, who was soon to marry. They would not understand anyway because even he himself could not understand why he was depressed.

And so he smiled at Xanthie. “Hmm. I’m good.”

But that smile didn’t fool Xanthie. “I’m taking you to see a doctor today. You need a full body checkup.”

Kade didn’t oppose Xanthie. Rather, his smile remained, and he nodded. He had a feeling that if he resisted, this was going to be a big deal.

He was mentally drained and exhausted, but he still played along and let Xanthie take him to a private clinic.

While waiting for their turn, Kade was asked a series of questions by one of the clinic’s admissions clerks. He answered everything until the part where he was asked if he was taking any medication.

There was a pause, but Kade didn’t lose his cool in front of Xanthie and the clerk. “It’s a medicine for my insomnia. I can’t pronounce it right, but I can write it down for you.”

The clerk smiled. “That would be very helpful, Mr. Black.”

With a calm smile, Kade accepted the paper and pen that the clerk handed to him and then wrote down all the medicines he was taking while pretending to remember the spelling of his medicine for “insomnia.”

Below those medicines was a simple note addressed to the clerk: Please keep my medicine confidential from my friend. And then he handed back the paper and pen.

The clerk was so professional that she didn’t even blink when she saw what Kade wrote. She continued inputting his patient data then added a note below for the doctor.

‘Doctor, the patient wanted to keep his medicine confidential from his friend.’

“Thank you, Mr. Black. You may proceed to the first door on your right. Doctor Reinald is waiting for you.”

Kade let Xanthie take the lead, and he followed silently.

After entering the doctor’s office, the doctor glanced at Kade then at Xanthie after he read the note sent by his clerk. Seeing the list of medicines the young man was taking, Doctor Reinald easily recognized all the pills and what his patient was going through. Afterward, the doctor proceeded to explain all the medical tests Kade needed to do for a full body checkup.

Kade was obedient and just agreed to everything to avoid suspicion. Xanthie was beside him for every test, and he didn’t have the chance to talk to Doctor Reinald privately.

“The result of your medical tests will be available within a week,” said Doctor Reinald after doing all the tests. “I can send the results to you via email.”

“Thanks, Doc.” It was Xanthie who answered politely.

The doctor nodded at Xanthie before glancing at Kade. “By the way, Mr. Black, the medicines you’re taking—”

Kade immediately cut off the doctor. “You mean the one for my insomnia? What about it?”

Meanwhile, Xanthie gave Kade a look as he thought, Medicines? Not just one?

“Oh, no problem at all.” Doctor Reinald had to mind his words to accommodate his patient’s request. “I just want to know if it’s effective and if everything is fine?”

Kade nodded with a calm expression. “Yes. Everything is fine. I just visited my doctor a few days ago to check on my insomnia, and it’s all good.”

“That’s good to hear, Mr. Black.” Doctor Reinald smiled with a relieved expression on his wrinkled face. “I’m glad.”

Kade smiled at the doctor calmly.

Then, after a few short discussions between the doctor and Xanthie about Kade’s other physical examination results, Kade and Xanthie excused themselves and left the clinic.

“See? I’m fine.” Kade smiled lightly at Xanthie.

“We don’t know that yet.”

Kade sighed. “I’m pretty sure I’m fine.”

Xanthie stopped in front of his parked car; his expression was chaotic. “You’re not okay, Kade.” He was certain of that now. “Seeing you slump in your seat, not waking up however much I shook your cold body… It was…”

Scary… Xanthie finished his sentence in his head.

Yes. It was scary. He had never felt that kind of fear in his life. That gut-wrenching, agonizing scream that he heard when he was walking toward Kade’s studio, it stirred up a different fear he didn’t know he had.

Xanthie took a deep breath and looked at Kade who had a laidback smile as if nothing serious had happened.

“Stop smiling. It’s annoying.”

Kade chuckled and casually wrapped his arm around Xanthie’s shoulder. “Stop worrying and let’s go home. I’m hungry. Come on.”

Xanthie stared at Kade, and Kade gave him a wide unrestrained smile.

If Xanthie didn’t hear Kade’s scream, seeing this smile, he would’ve believed that Kade was fine. Kade’s smile was too warm and genuine. Just like he remembered.

“Kade.”

“Hmm?”

He faced Kade, and with Kade’s arm around his shoulder, their faces were just inches apart. “Are you… really okay?”

Kade’s smile didn’t change as he replied, “Yep. I’m good.”

“Don’t lie to me.” Xanthie’s tone became threatening as his face darkened. “I won’t let you off that easy if I find out you’re lying to me.”

Kade chuckled and playfully poked Xanthie’s cheek. “Don’t make that face. Didn’t I tell you that your angry face is adorable?”

Xanthie glared at Kade, and Kade just responded with a laugh before pushing Xanthie to enter his car. “Come on. Let’s go home. I’m hungry.”

Xanthie could only sigh and get inside his car. Kade followed suit, and the two drove back toward Kade’s house in silence.

“So, what do you want to eat?” Xanthie asked as he and Kade stepped out of the car. The breakfast he made for Kade earlier had already turned cold and was not appropriate for a late lunch.

Kade was behind Xanthie, and he absentmindedly answered while replying to Hale’s message, “You.”

Kade only realized what he just said when he bumped into a frozen Xanthie in front of him.

“Your cooking,” Kade immediately corrected himself as casually and smoothly as he could and went past Xanthie, who was still frozen, as if he did not just say something that could tarnish his innocent best friend role.

While entering the kitchen with Xanthie following behind him, Kade inwardly face-palmed while mentally smacking himself.

That was dangerous, Kade thought. I can’t lose focus next time. He still had to live with Xanthie for a week and a half. He had to reign in his mouth and watch what he said. He had to hide himself better.

Fuck.

CECELIB | C.C.

CHAPTER 5

CHAPTER 5

FOR SOMEONE who claimed that Xanthie could help lessen his insomnia by sleeping next to him, Kade had been staying the night with his dates—no, more like flings. Kade never dated. He was an asshole who liked to sleep around. He had always been like that since they were in high school, and he had never changed his ways after all those years.

Xanthie didn’t question those women who willingly slept with Kade without reservation. It was obvious why without asking. Kade was a natural brunette with shoulder-length wavy hair and electric blue eyes. Kade’s looks were the gorgeous type, and with his lean muscular body, it was no wonder why he wasn’t running out of women to play with.

“But a different woman every night.” Xanthie exhaled and leaned back in the long sofa in Kade’s living room. “Seriously, that guy…” He shook his head and exhaled again.

As he stared at the high ceiling, contemplating on what to do, his phone on the center table rang. When he checked who was calling, he saw it was Fey.

“When are you coming home, Xanthie?”

“Sunday.”

“Can’t you come home early?”

Xanthie straightened his body. “Did something happen?”

“My parents…” Fey paused and sighed. “They want us to visit this weekend.”

“Oh.” He immediately got a headache and massaged the bridge of his nose. “Sure. I’ll be home tomorrow.”

Fey let out a relieved breath. “Thanks, Xanthie. See you tomorrow.”

“Okay. See you.”

After the call ended, Xanthie immediately booked an early flight to Montréal for the next day, then he called Kade to inform him that he was going home. He might not be able to wait for Kade to get home tomorrow.

However, after a few rings, Xanthie realized that he might be disturbing Kade and his fling, so he decided to end the call. Before he could tap the end button, though, an unfamiliar male voice answered.

Xanthie’s eyebrows immediately furrowed. “Who’s this?”

“…a friend.” There was a slight hesitation in the man’s voice as he answered.

Xanthie’s frown deepened even more. “Name.”

But the man on the other line did not give his name. “If you’re looking for Kade, he’s asleep.”

Xanthie’s eyes automatically looked at the wall clock. It’s past midnight already. Based on the silence on the other line, he was sure that Kade was not in the club. It was too silent! Where was he sleeping, then? “Where are you? I’m picking up Kade—”

“Look, mister, I don’t know who you are, so why would I give you my home address?” The man clicked his tongue. “Whatever. We’re done anyway. I’ll wake him up and send him home.”

Xanthie had so many questions as the call ended, but what bothered him the most were the words “we’re done anyway.”

Done with what?

From the phone call until Kade arrived at the house, Xanthie was still bothered by those words.

And the bastard who made him worry so much just greeted him with “Yo” then went straight to his room.

Xanthie could only gape at Kade and decided to follow after sorting out his unorganized thoughts. But when he entered Kade’s room, Kade was already sleeping soundly without a shirt on.

And with only the warm light from the lampshade on the bedside table illuminating the bed, Xanthie could see fresh hickeys on Kade’s neck and collarbone.

Xanthie slowly approached the bed and looked down at Kade’s sleeping face.

“Just what the hell are you doing, Kade?” Xanthie’s hand reached out and flicked Kade’s forehead. Unfortunately, it was not enough to lessen his annoyance.

He wanted to smack Kade’s head, wake him up, and force an explanation out of him.

But he wasn’t in a position to do that. Ever since, he never intruded into Kade’s sex life. He always let him do whatever he wanted when it would come to that, but… you came home from a man’s house with a fresh hickey. “What the hell are you doing, Kade?”

Gritting his teeth, he turned around and left Kade’s bedroom. He went straight to the guest room, packed his bag, set an alarm, and then forced himself to sleep.

He had an early flight. He couldn’t miss it.

He said that, but Xanthie found himself rebooking his flight to lunchtime.

Kade woke up with a hangover. His throat was dry, and his head was throbbing. Even so, he pushed himself to get up and go down to the kitchen to get some water.

The journey to the kitchen was the worst. He was wobbling and trying to balance his body while clutching his head.

“Fuck… fuck…” A string of profanities continued escaping his mouth until he was finally able to chug down two glasses of cold water.

Somehow, that sobered him up a little. But his head was still throbbing.

“Ah, fuck!”

Suddenly, a palm with a pain reliever pill appeared in front of him together with a hand holding a glass of water.

Kade felt like his headache doubled when he smelled Xanthie’s natural scent.

Fuck.

He held his breath to not smell Xanthie so much, accepted the pill and the glass, and then silently took the pain reliever pill.

“I made you breakfast,” said Xanthie. “By the way, I’m going back home today.”

Without missing a beat, Kade raised his aching head and calmly looked at Xanthie. “That’s good. Don’t leave Fey alone too much. Have a safe trip.”

Kade raised his eyebrows when Xanthie’s gaze on him deepened then Xanthie’s face darkened as his eyes moved to his neck. It was an uncomfortable kind of stare, but Kade did not back down. He held Xanthie’s gaze until Xanthie finally pulled his gaze away and muttered something he couldn’t hear.

“What did you say?” Kade asked.

“Nothing.”

Kade could see how Xanthie’s jaw tightened as if he was angry at something—or someone.

“What?” he asked Xanthie as he leaned against the kitchen countertop.

Xanthie was clearly not in a good mood, but he still responded with a scowl, “You better take care of yourself. The result of your full body checkup is good, but that does not mean you’re one hundred percent healthy. Call me if you need anything, okay?”

Kade smiled and nodded, but he honestly had no plan to contact Xanthie.

And just like that, Xanthie went back to where he belonged, and Kade was back to being alone in his huge house.

Loneliness crept into him at the same time he felt relief. Xanthie was finally gone. He didn’t have to tiptoe in his own house anymore. With Xanthie close to him, he had to mind his words, his movements, his emotions. And of course, he had to hide his condition and his medicine.

But now that Xanthie was gone, the freedom he felt overshadowed his loneliness.

It’s funny… I feel freer without Xanthie in my life.

“I wonder… if I’ll be freer… if I die?”

His eyes subconsciously sought the knife on the countertop beside him. He stared at it for a long time before he picked it up.

Kade knew what he was doing. He was aware of what he wanted to do with the knife in his hand. And he was also aware that his thoughts were starting to jumble up again.

An attack… “So early in the morning.”

He dropped the knife and hurriedly went to get his medicine. His doctor told him not to be dependent on the pill and find something that could distract his mind from his dark thoughts, but all he had was painting. And even that couldn’t distract him anymore.

His painting had been devoured by his depression.

Kade dropped himself on the sofa inside his bedroom after taking the medicine for his attack, then he leaned against the back of the sofa, his unfocused eyes staring at the ceiling.

He had been attack-free for two weeks now, but here he was again, filled with unfathomable fear that was searing his very soul, so that he couldn’t move and couldn’t control his slightly cold, trembling body.

“Xanthie…” His voice quivered. “I’m scared.”

He could only hear silence. It was so loud.

“How… can I be happy again?”

The deafening silence continued until Kade fell asleep. This always happened after taking the medicine.

When he woke up, the deafening silence was still everywhere. But he got up, fixed himself, and dragged his weary body to his studio.

He had a few more paintings to finish, and after that, he could finally sleep to his heart’s content.

But before he slept, he had to take care of all his responsibilities first so as to not burden the people around him.

Thus, he started painting day in and day out, only stopping for quick bites and short naps. He also replied to Xanthie’s regular messages, telling him he was doing okay but was busy.

Summer finally ended, and the autumnal equinox unfolded. It was the passage of summer to fall. And as the leaves started to turn yellow and deep orange, Kade finally finished his last painting.

“Damn!” Andrew couldn’t help gaping at the paintings displayed in front of him in Kade’s studio. Kade had called him over. This was his first time seeing every painting Kade made for the upcoming exhibit. “These are all unnerving, I’m not going to lie. Too dark if I say so myself, but each piece speaks volumes.”

Kade, who was leaning against his table, silently watched Andrew for a while before he spoke.

“The exhibit will be held in November, right?”

“Yes,” Andrew responded while his focus was on the paintings. “Third week of November. Leave everything to me.”

Kade’s eyes looked down at the floor in front of his feet and muttered, “That means I have more than a month to pull myself together.” He raised his head and looked at his agent. “Andrew.”

Andrew was still focused trying to decipher Kade’s painting. “Hmm?”

“I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and clinical depression a few months ago.”

Andrew’s mind went blank as he turned to face Kade in shock.

Kade smiled at Andrew’s shocked face. “Come on, don’t look at me like that. I’m fine.”

Andrew was still dumbfounded, so Kade continued. Kade never told anyone about his mental condition because he didn’t see the need, but at the moment, he had to make Andrew understand why he was going to do what he was about to do.

“My panic attacks have been happening pretty often lately. I have medicine for them, but my doctor told me not to be dependent on it. Since I’m alone in the house, it’s a struggle to stay alive. Painting does not calm me anymore, and sleeping around doesn’t work like it used to. From my unhealthy meals to not sleeping for days, if I continue this path, I don’t think I’m going to survive until Xanthie’s wedding.”

Andrew’s expression became ugly as if he just realized something horrible. “You… you’re not planning to…” Andrew couldn’t continue. He didn’t want to say it. He couldn’t!

“Andrew, I’m going to admit myself into a private mental health facility until the exhibit. I already reached out to my psychiatrist. I will be admitted two days from now.”

Gradually, Andrew’s pale face started to regain its color. Hearing Kade’s explanation, he was relieved.

Andrew took a deep breath. “I don’t know what kind of things you have been experiencing these past few months. Though even if I knew, I don’t think I’d understand. But there’s one thing I want you to know—I’m proud of you for seeking help, Kade.”

Kade chuckled at Andrew, and seeing it, Andrew felt like Kade was not suffering from anxiety and depression.

He looked relaxed, happy even.

It was hard to see that behind that chuckle and casual smile hid a depressed soul filled with anxiety.

“You’re going to get through this, Kade.” Andrew believed in that. “If you need anything, just call.”

Kade nodded, then told Andrew, “Don’t tell Xanthie. I don’t want him to know.”

Andrew’s lips parted. He knew that this was different from the last time. Now that he knew about Kade’s mental health condition, he really shouldn’t tell Xanthie without Kade’s permission.

“What… do you want me to tell him if he looked for you while you’re in the facility?” He was only able to decide not to tell Xanthie because Kade was getting help and he’d be safe in the facility.

Kade shrugged with a smile. “I’m on vacation?”

Andrew looked at Kade wryly. “Really?”

Kade let out a short laugh seeing Andrew’s wry expression. “Really. Tell him I’m soul-searching.”

Andrew shook his head and sighed heavily and loudly. “Fuck. Xanthie is smart, you know. He’ll know that something is up.”

“He’ll suspect, but without proof, he won’t know anything.” Kade narrowed his eyes at the floor. “I don’t want to burden him, or anyone, for that matter. He’s getting married soon. You know how Xanthie is. If he found out about my condition, he might move his wedding and stick around with me. I don’t want that. I want him to be happy, and it’ll only happen if we keep my condition under wraps.”

Of all the people around Kade, Andrew was the one who knew Xanthie’s attitude toward Kade the best. What Kade was saying was not impossible. If Xanthie, who was very protective of Kade, found out, forget moving the wedding; he might even cancel it to take care of Kade.

Andrew massaged his temples. “I understand. I won’t tell him.”

“Thanks. And, um, this house, sell it.”

“My real-estate agent friend contacted me a few days ago. She said she already has a buyer. We will have a meeting to schedule the viewing.”

“Thanks. I’ll leave it to you. By the way, while I’m in the facility, hire a moving company and put all my things in a storage unit.”

“Noted. Is that all?”

Kade nodded then let out a long sigh.

“Okay then. I’ll be back in two days to send you off.”

“No need.”

“Don’t stop me. I will accompany you until you get admitted.”

Kade didn’t argue with Andrew after seeing Andrew’s determined expression.

Meanwhile, seeing that Kade was not contradicting his proposition, Andrew went back to silently contemplating Kade’s painting while also thinking about Kade’s condition.

Concurrently, Kade sent a message to Hale informing her of his condition and his decision to admit himself into a mental health facility.

And Hale’s reply was: I’m coming over with a dozen bottles of whiskey, you bastard! We are going to get fucking wasted while having a heart-to-heart talk!

Kade chuckled at that, and an amused smile remained on his lips. Hale had always been his ally in so many ways. Maybe because they belonged to the same community.

“Why the fuck did you not tell me?!” Hale’s angry voice echoed in the living room as she slammed the empty glass of whiskey on the center of the table. She was glaring at him as if she’d murder him. “I keep defending you from Xanthie, saying that you’re okay—wait…did you also tell Xanthie?”

Kade shook his head. “Just you and Andrew.”

“Andrew? Your agent?”

“Hmm. He left just a minute before you arrived.”

Hale clicked her tongue and glared at Kade before her gaze softened. “How are you holding up?”

Kade shrugged. “It’s not so bad.”

That was a lie. It was bad. That was one of the reasons he was admitting himself to a mental health facility. It was not only the panic attacks that had become frequent and severe, but also his thoughts of just ending everything.

Of course, he wouldn’t tell Hale that. He didn’t want her to worry so much.

“What bullshit are you spouting?” Hale poured herself a whiskey. “You’re admitting yourself to a mental health facility. That means it’s  that bad.”

Kade brought his glass of whiskey over his lips. “Why are you here, by the way? How about your bar? I could have just come to your bar.”

Hale let out a loud sigh at Kade’s deliberate attempt to change the topic. But she didn’t let him. “Kade, I think you should tell Xanthie.”

“I don’t want to.” Kade sipped whiskey from his glass.

“Come on, Kade. Xanthie can help—”

“At the expense of whom? I can’t do that to Xanthie and Fey.” Kade’s expression turned cold. “And I don’t want Xanthie to see me like this. I’ll only be a burden to him. It’s better to be admitted to a mental health facility. I won’t be bothering anyone there. I’ll be fine.”

Hale didn’t argue with Kade. Before coming to Kade’s house, she had searched on the internet “how to support a depressed friend” because she honestly had no idea how to. It had stated that depressed people tended to see themselves as a burden to the people around them. The article said that it was the depression talking, but in Kade’s case, he had always been the kind of guy who didn’t want to burden anyone.

“Have you told your mom?” Hale asked, after a long silence.

“No. I have no plans to.” Kade leaned back against the back of the sofa and closed his eyes to hide the fear in their depths.

In that moment, he knew an attack was coming.

His even breathing became so erratic that Hale, who was sitting opposite to Kade, noticed it immediately.

“Kade.” She left her seat and sat beside Kade on the long sofa. She didn’t say any comforting words; she just stayed with Kade silently. She patted his shoulder before her hand moved down to his chest and patted the place where his heart was.

To see the confident and charming Kade Sanford Black slightly shaking and biting his trembling lips hard, Hale had to hold back her tears, and she continued patting Kade’s heart.

Hale didn’t know how long it lasted, but gradually, Kade started to calm down, and he finally opened his eyes.

“I’m sorry you had to see that.” His voice was hoarse.

Hale shook her head at Kade. “No need to say sorry. Now I understand why you don’t want to tell Xanthie.” She took a deep breath and looked at Kade. “If Xanthie saw you like this, he would drop everything just to care for you.”

“Yeah…” Kade felt exhausted. “Xanthie is that kind of a friend. To him, I’m a dear family member. Because of his childhood, family is very important to Xanthie. And Fey can give that to him…the family he craves and deserves. However painful this unrequited love I have for him gets, I promised to myself that I would never do anything that could jeopardize Xanthie’s dream of having a happy family.”

Hale exhaled and leaned against Kade’s shoulder. “Life is exhausting…”

“Yeah.” Kade glanced at his phone in the center of the table. It was ringing.

It was Xanthie.

“You’re not going to get that?” Hale asked when she saw who was calling Kade.

“Nah. I’m good.”

Kade closed his eyes again. He was exhausted. It’s time to rest.

CECELIB | C.C.

CHAPTER 6

CHAPTER 6

THE YELLOW LEAVES of the maple tree that Kade could see from his private room’s floor-to-ceiling glass window had finally turned red as they slowly fell to the ground. He called it a window, but it actually couldn’t be opened for the patient’s safety. It’s just pure thick glass, and its purpose was to let the patient see the beautiful trees and garden outside bursting with life.

Since he was admitted, he would sit on his bed and watch the maple tree leaves change color day by day. Watching the leaves fall was calming.

“Mr. Black, how are you feeling today?”

Kade’s eyes remained on the maple tree as he responded, “I’m okay… I guess.”

His doctor continued to ask him a series of questions, and he answered them calmly. But in the eyes of Kade’s psychiatrist, Kade was not calm. More… lifeless.

Ever since Kade admitted himself, he didn’t act on his suicidal thoughts no matter how bad his panic attacks go. And on the days that he was calm, he would just sit on his bed and watch the maple tree outside.

“How was your sleep last night? Did you dream again?”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“Did you take the medicine to help you sleep?”

“It didn’t work.” Kade breathed calmly. “Even after you uped the dosage, it still didn’t make me fall asleep.”

“We’ll try another, stronger, pill for you.”

“Hmm.”

“Have you been in contact with your family and friends?” the psychiatrist asked. “Their presence might help lighten the heaviness you’re feeling. Talk to someone you trust. Slowly open up if you can.”

“I don’t want to burden anyone.”

The psychiatrist took a deep breath. Most of his patients had the same answer. “Mr. Black, you have to talk to someone. You wanted to be discharged in a few weeks’ time, but I don’t think I can let you go like this. With your condition, being alone is not advisable for you.”

“It’s okay.” Kade’s voice was eerily calm—no, it was lifeless. “My mother is picking me up. I’m going to live with her for a while.”

“You finally spoke with her?”

Kade didn’t  want to, but as he spent his days here in the facility alone, he thought of his mother— (who immediately agreed when he told her he wanted to move in with her for the time being)— and thier conversation when he called her before he admitted himself to the facility. And since he’d be living with his mother until Xanthie’s wedding, he decided to be honest with her about his condition.

Come to think of it, I have always been honest with Mom. Even about my sexual preference. And now with my anxiety and depression.

“Yes, I have,” he responded as thoughts about his mother crossed his mind. “I told her where I am and why I’m here. Need-to-know basis only, so I would appreciate it if you don’t tell her anything more.”

To his patient’s request, the psychiatrist could only nod. “I understand. I will monitor your condition until your discharge day. Then I will adjust your medication if necessary. And don’t forget your therapy session later.”

Kade nodded, and the doctor left as Kade continued to watch the maple tree.

Kade honestly didn’t want to move. If it was not to his doctor, he did not want to speak. Staying here gradually lessened his attacks, but his mind picked up a habit of shutting down by watching the maple tree leaves fall.

It was like his mind was shutting down to escape from his chaotic and spiraling reality.

From the corner of his eyes, he could see his phone’s screen on the bedside table lighting up. It had been in silent mode since he arrived at the facility, but contrary to the “mode” it was set to, his phone had never been idle. Aside from Hale and Andrew’s messages checking up on him every day, Xanthie’s messages were the reason his phone’s screen would light up so often that it had become concerning.

If I didn’t know any better, I would think that Mr. Straight likes me that way. But of course, he knew better than to think like that. Xanthie just hated being ignored by his “family member,” which was Kade. Family member, my ass. But… it would have been nice if I only thought of Xanthie as such. That way, he wouldn’t feel like shit like today.

Taking a deep breath and letting out a deep sigh soon after, he picked up his phone and opened his messaging app.

Eleven unread messages from only one person—Xanthie.

“Seriously…” he muttered under his breath and finally opened Xanthie’s messages.

‘Have you been sleeping well?’

‘How’s your insomnia?’

‘Have you been eating well?’

‘How’s your health?’

‘Why won’t you answer my calls?’

‘Fey is inviting you to her birthday. It’s okay if you don’t come.’

‘Are you really soul-searching like Andrew said? I don’t believe it. The Kade I know would rather sleep around than search for his soul.’

‘At least reply to my messages. I’m worried.’

‘Are you really okay?’

‘Are you ignoring me?’

‘If you don’t reply, I’ll come find you.’

He let out a loud sigh. So many messages. It was really concerning that Xanthie was acting like this. He didn’t know if Xanthie had always been this way, or if it was because this was the first time Kade had ignored him for days. In the past, he would ignore Xanthie’s calls, but he would still reply to his messages asking if he was doing well.

Kade sighed again. “I’m not really in the mood to entertain him.” Yeah. Let’s ignore him.

However, before he could close the message app, the typing indicator bubble popped up, and soon after, a message came in.

‘I will really come find you if you don’t answer.’

Only a few seconds after he received Xanthie’s message, Xanthie video-called him.

“Ah, fuck.” He left his bed and went to open the closet in his room. He took a shirt and wore it over the patient’s gown he was wearing. Then, after settling himself back on the bed, he finally answered Xanthie’s call.

“You look like shit.” Those were Xanthie’s first words upon seeing Kade on the screen.

Kade showed his usual smile. “Miss me?”

Xanthie scowled, his face darkening. “I’m angry, Kade.”

Seeing Xanthie’s dark expression, Kade chuckled. “Come on, Xanthie, don’t make that face. How many times do I have to tell you that you look handsome rather than menacing when you’re angry? Not convincing.”

But Xanthie’s angry face remained.

Kade chuckled again. There was no sign of depression or anxiety on his handsome face. Even his electric blue eyes were clear. “Come on, Xanthie. I was just busy.”

Xanthie’s face gradually lost its angry expression. “What have you been up to?”

“Soul-searching.”

“Don’t bullshit me.”

“It’s true.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Kade didn’t argue and just shrugged.

“So? Where are you?” Xanthie asked after a few seconds. “Why is your background pure white?”

Kade casually answered, “The hotel I’m in is pure white.”

“Really?”

Kade could tell that Xanthie didn’t believe his bullshit, but he stood his ground. “Yeah. It’s a very comfy hotel.”

“Oh, yeah?” Xanthie was clearly being sarcastic. “Show me your room and I’ll decide if it’s comfortable or not.”

Kade’s answer was immediate but calm. “That’s invading my privacy.”

“Says the guy who had no trouble invading my privacy by sleeping in the same bed as me.”

Kade narrowed his eyes at Xanthie. “It’s because of my insomnia!”

Xanthie massaged his temples. “I will have insomnia too if I don’t see your comfortable room right now.” He put emphasis on the word “comfortable.”

Really, this guy! Kade clicked his tongue. “I’m not showing you.”

“Should I come find you?”

Kade yawned. “Don’t bother. I’m soul-searching, so leave me alone.”

“You know, Kade, your lies are not going to fly this time—”

“Excuse me, Mr. Black.” It was the nurse’s voice accompanied by a knock on the already slightly parted door. “You have a visitor.”

Visitor? “Who’s that?” Xanthie became even more curious when he saw Kade turn his head to look at something then stiffened, as if he was surprised to see something . . . or someone. “Kade—”

“Don’t worry. I’m fine. I’ll call you back some other time.” He didn’t wait for Xanthie’s reply. He ended the call and turned off his phone, and then he looked at the person behind the nurse.

It was his mother, who looked young for her age.

“Let her in,” he said after a short pause.

His thoughts started to get disarrayed. “Mom… what are you doing here?”

“What else? I’m worried, of course.” The doubt might’ve clearly shown on his face, because his mother, Kaye, gave him a pointed look. “Kade, I’m your mother. Whether you believe it or not, I care for you. I have just not been doing well because of your shitty father.”

“Dad already moved out?” He put his phone back on the bedside table.

“Yes. Long before the divorce papers arrived on my doorstep. That cheating scumbag.” Kaye sighed heavily and patted Kade’s head. “Anyway, I’m not here for that. I’m here to check up on you. Good thing they allow visitors. How are you doing, Kade?”

Kade couldn’t think of the words to answer his mother. Part of him didn’t want to answer her. It had been so long since he saw his mother; though they talked on the phone from time to time, it was still not enough to be comfortable around her.

Kaye sat on the edge of the hospital bed when Kade did not reply and remained silent.

After a long silence, his mother’s gentle voice reached Kade’s ears.

“Kade… will you ever forgive Mom for doing this to you?”

Kade’s eyes snapped to his mother’s slumped back. “What are you…”

“I probably… no, I’m pretty certain I have a hand in your anxiety and depression.” Kaye took a deep breath as if to control the emotions stirring inside her chest. “Maybe not everything, but I’m a part of it.”

“Mom…”

Kaye faced her son and cupped his face with both her hands. “Talking to your aunt Stella and hearing how proud she was of Keiran and his partner, I realized how bad of a mother I was with you when you came out to me. At that time, I really didn’t understand, and I didn’t make an effort to. Only now do I realize how difficult it must have been for you back then, seeing your mother looking at you strangely. I’m so sorry, Kade. I’m really sorry.”

Kaye let her hands fall to her lap, but her gaze never left Kade’s. “I know that I’ve said some things I can’t take back. I also can’t turn back time and change my mistakes. But we’re going to live in the same house again, and I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes. I admit, I still lack understanding about different sexual orientations and your personal preferences. I’m one hundred percent certain that I will make an unconscious mistake while living with you, but still… will you give Mom a chance to make it up to you?”

Kade’s wide eyes were filled with disbelief.

Kaye reached out her hand again and flicked her son’s forehead. “Why do you look so shocked? Moms can make mistakes too.”

Kade pressed his lips together and looked down at his palm. His head was a mess.

“You don’t have to give your answer now. You still have time before you get discharged.” After saying so much, Kaye took a deep breath and changed the subject. “So, how are you holding up here?”

“I’m fine—” Kade stiffened at his automatic reply before he looked toward the maple tree. “That’s a lie. I’m actually not fine.”

Kaye smiled at that before she changed her sitting position—from sitting on the edge of the bed to sitting beside her son. “I’m not doing well these days, either. I’m blaming your scumbag father for it.” She clicked her tongue. “Say, Kade, after your exhibit, when you have nothing to do, want to help your mom with her small business?”

Kade withdrew his gaze from the maple tree to frown at his mother. “Since when did your cosmetic company become a small business?”

His mother just chuckled and poked his cheek. “It’s just so-so.”

He looked at his mother flatly. “Your company earns millions, Mom. It’s not so-so. And being gay  doesn’t mean that I want to play with cosmetics. Not all gay men love cosmetics.”

“Just saying…” His mother sulked for a little while before asking a question that made him grimace. “Any boyfriend I should know about?”

“I don’t do boyfriends.”

“Ah. So, you’re still pinning for Xanthie, huh?”

Kade massaged his temples. “Mom, let’s not talk about him. Please. And how did you even know that?”

Kaye snorted. “Remember when you were in college and you brought Xanthie home for Thanksgiving? I saw how you looked at him when he’s not looking. It’s like you wanted to eat him up.”

Kade faked a cough. “As you know, he’s getting married.”

“Yeah. I received the invitation.”

Kade looked at the maple tree again and didn’t say anything.

Kaye sighed and patted her son’s shoulder. “It’ll get better.”

“What if it doesn’t?”

“It will.” His mother’s voice held an unwavering certainty that oddly calmed him. “Keep on living and believe in it.”

Kade became silent again, and his mother did not say anything after that. She just stayed with him, cursing his father from time to time, then she sliced and fed him some apples until the visiting hours were over.

He was actually surprised that she visited him, and even asked if she could make up for her mistakes in the past. That was unexpected. It seemed like his aunt Stella’s support toward Keiran’s relationship changed his mother’s perspective a bit.

However, even after his mother’s visit and her change of view, he didn’t expect anything from her. Expectations would only lead to bigger disappointments. He thought it was just one of her whims and she’d stop eventually, only to be surprised when his mother visited him again day after day until the day he was discharged.

“According to your psychiatrist, a change of environment could help lighten up your mood, so I bought a cozy house in Quebec City. It’ll be a fresh start for both of us,” his mother informed him while she was driving him to the hotel where they would be staying until his exhibit.

“How about your place in Vancouver?” That’s where he planned to live, but now, it seemed like his mother was dragging him to Quebec City.

Kaye waved her hand in the air. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Why Quebec City though?”

“It’s nice there,” Kaye answered with a pleasant smile. “It’s close to nature, and there’s a maple tree near our new home. You seemed to like the one outside your window, so I made sure that your room is facing it.” A small smile was about to appear on Kade’s lips because of the small detail his mother took into consideration before buying the house when his mother added, “and it’s close to Xanthie.”

Kade’s expression turned sour hearing Xanthie’s name. While staying at the facility, he had often turned off his phone to avoid Xanthie. He only opened it for brief moments to reply to Andrew, Hale, and some of his acquaintances’ messages and emails and then would send an “I’m doing okay” message to Xanthie before turning it off again. He was really not in the mood to entertain Mr. Straight Guy.

Kaye didn’t see her son’s expression because she was driving, but she felt the sudden shift in his mood.

She exhaled. “Running away and hiding is always the easiest option when you’re cornered, but it won’t really liberate you. It’ll trap you into feeling a false sense of security that will only make you suffer more. I’m not telling you to come out to Xanthie or confess. I just want you to face your feelings for him and gradually move forward. Your heart will break for sure, but Mom will be there for you. I might not be able to mend your broken heart, but Mom will stay by your side until you put the pieces of your broken heart back together. Then and only then will you be able to freely liberate and love yourself.”

Kade remained silent, but his mother’s voice echoed inside his head as he looked outside the car.

Face my feelings, huh?

He closed his eyes then opened them after a few seconds. An empty smile appeared on his lips. What was the point of moving forward when he planned to end everything after Xanthie’s wedding?

Rather than facing it, he’d keep it locked and hidden in a place where no one could find it.

This feeling… his unrequited love… he’d rather take it to his grave and bury it with him.

CECELIB | C.C.

CHAPTER 7

CONTENT WARNING: This story contains fictional depiction of self-harm and suicidal ideation. Reader discretion is highly advised.

CHAPTER 7

THE FIRST THING Kade did after he and his mother checked into a hotel suite with two bedrooms was charge his phone. It had been dead for a couple of days, and he had a feeling he’d be bombarded with messages and e-mails once he turned it on.

And he was not mistaken, but he only replied to two people. His agent, Andrew and his friend, Hale.

To Andrew: I’m out. Let’s meet up over dinner.

Below his message was the hotel’s address.

To Hale: I’m out and about. Don’t worry. Mom is with me. See you at the exhibit.

After he sent his message to Hale, he dialed Xanthie’s number. He was one hundred percent certain that a message wouldn’t suffice after he read Xanthie’s dozens of messages.

“Oh. So, I’m finally allowed to talk to you now, Mr. Kade Black?” Those were Xanthie’s words when he picked up.

Hearing his full name from Xanthie’s mouth, Kade knew Xanthie was pissed. But knowing that Xanthie looked more handsome than menacing when mad, he could only smile wryly. “Sorry. I was busy.”

“Yeah, right.”

“I’m with mom.”

“You went home?” Xanthie sounded surprised. He knew Kade had issues with his mother, but he didn’t know what those issues were. So it surprised Xanthie to hear Kade mention his mother. “You finally made up with her?”

“Kind of.”

“That’s good.” Xanthie’s mood changed. He was not angry anymore. He was happy for Kade because to him, family was important more than anything. “How about your dad?”

Kade chuckled as he leaned against the frame of the large glass window overlooking the bustling city. “Mom would skin me alive if I contacted dad. Though I have no plans to, anyway. He could’ve just told mom he wanted out. Why cheat?”

An amused smile spread across Xanthie’s lips. “Coming from a man who changed partners faster than he changed socks, that sounds unbelievable.”

Kade grimaced. “All of my partners knew the real score.”

Hearing Kade say the word “partner”, Xanthie adversely recalled the unfamiliar voice of the man who answered Kade’s phone when he called. Up to that very moment, it still bothered him.

“… Xanthie?”

Xanthie blinked and cleared his throat. “Well, I’m glad you’re okay and that you made up with your mom.”

“Yeah. I’m glad too. Anyway, I’m kind of sleepy so I’m hanging up now. I’ll see you at the exhibit.”

The smile that had been eluding Xanthie’s lips these past few days was back. “Okay. See you there. Take care of yourself and sleep a lot. Bye.”

“I will. Bye.”

The call ended and Kade immediately put aside his phone to lie on the large bed and rest. For some reason, the moment he closed his eyes, he immediately fell asleep.

Meanwhile, in Montréal, Xanthie’s agent, Emmett Harris, frowned at Xanthie who left the room to take a phone call. They were in the middle of a meeting with a famous singer who personally came to Xanthie’s house to request an album collaboration with him.

At times like this Emmett gave thanks for Xanthie’s reputation in the music industry.

Xanthie Lorenz. A songwriter referred to as a genius in the music industry. Since his first album  garnered attention from record labels, his music had never failed to climb to the top of the charts. He became a sought-after songwriter over the years. It had been a decade since then. His prestige grew as he accumulated awards every year. There were offers to make him a singer, but Xanthie refused, saying that he only wanted to make songs and stay out of the limelight.

That was why, even if Xanthie acted brazenly, like taking a phone call in the middle of a meeting with a famous singer, he could get away with it.

“Sorry about that.” Xanthie said as he returned to the room after a few minutes. Then he sat back in his seat and glanced at the famous singer-songwriter, Kat Knox. “As I was saying before, I would love to collaborate with you. Unfortunately, I’m swamped with work at the moment.”

He had just accepted a project. He was to compose three soundtracks for a film directed by the director Bowman, who was well known in the film industry. And he was also collaborating with an up-and-coming pop music artist whose album was scheduled to come out early spring next year.

“It’s okay. I can wait until the middle of next year.” Kat Knox didn’t want to leave empty-handed. She really wanted to collaborate with Xanthie Lorenz, who was known for his record-breaking music. “I really, really want to collaborate with you, Mr. Lorenz.”

“Let me think about it.” Xanthie replied. “My agent will contact you within the week. I have to look at my schedule first before I can decide.”

“Thank you so much, Mr. Lorenz!” Kat Knox beamed. That was not a straight “no,” like the last time she called, and it was more than enough for her. “I would like to stay and chat more, but we already took up too much of your time, so we’ll leave now.” Kat Knox was still beaming as she stood up. “I’ll patiently wait for your decision, Mr. Lorenz.”

Xanthie nodded and watched as Emmett walked the guests out. His private office became silent immediately, and he thought of Kade.

That made him frown. Kade had been filling up his mind lately. After his last visit, he could feel Kade’s deliberate attempts to avoid him. His phone was always turned off, and he stopped messaging him back.

It didn’t really bother him before when Kade wouldn’t answer his calls because by the end of the day, Kade would inform him that he was just busy painting and that he’s fine. But now Kade was consciously avoiding him.

He had reached out to Andrew, Kade’s agent. However, Andrew assured him that Kade was just on vacation, soul-searching, and that he didn’t need to worry, which made him worry even more.

Kade was soul-searching? Yeah, right. He might’ve believed Andrew if he told him that Kade was busy sleeping around again. But soul-searching? Hell would freeze over first.

Xanthie’s thoughts were interrupted when Emmett returned to his private room, looking exasperated.

“What?” Xanthie asked.

Emmett blew a loud breath as he dropped himself on the single sofa he had been sitting on earlier. “Who called you earlier? Wait—never mind. I’m sure it was Kade.”

Xanthie looked genuinely curiously at Emmett. “How did you know it was Kade?”

Emmett wanted to roll his eyes, but held back. “Only Kade could make you leave a meeting like that.”

“Well, yeah. He’s family.” It was a nonchalant automatic reply, but anyone could hear Xanthie’s fervent attachment to Kade.

Emmett’s eyebrows were so furrowed that one could slide a nickel in between them and it wouldn’t fall out. “Family? Really?”

“Yes. He’s family.” Xanthie’s expression softened. “He was there when I was sick, alone, lonely and when I had nothing but a penny. I wish he would ask me something—anything in return… but he never did.”

Emmett sighed seeing Xanthie’s expression. It was too tender. An expression not fitting for someone who’s talking about a family member. Well… that’s just me, Emmett thought before taking a deep breath and changing the topic.

“By the way, how was the visit to Fey’s family? Last night was the fourth time this month, right? Are they pressuring you two to get married fast?”

Xanthie’s expression instantaneously changed from tender to stiff. “Yes. They are.”

“And? What’s the verdict? As your agent, I have to know the details so I can adjust your schedule just in case.”

Xanthie leaned against the back of the sofa. “I’m letting Fey decide.”

Emmett clicked his tongue and shook his head. “You are always passive when it comes to your wedding. Just get married already. What’s the difference if you get married now or later?”

“It’s Fey’s decision.” Xanthie’s voice was firm.

Emmett sighed. “Whatever. Just inform me if there’re changes.”

“There probably won’t be any changes. We have already sent the invitations.”

“I guess. By the way, when are you going to Toronto for Kade’s exhibit?” Emmett suddenly remembered receiving an invitation just the other day.

“The day before the exhibit. Fey wanted to enjoy Toronto for a day.”

“Oh. Fey’s coming with you?” Emmett seemed surprised.

“Yeah. Kade invited her too.”

“Hmm.” Emmett just hummed before he pondered. “Kade is family, and Fey will eventually join your family after the wedding. I wonder how Kade will treat her. He’s been good to you. Maybe he’ll treat her the same way he treats you.”

Xanthie stiffened at that, and it did not escape Emmett’s watchful gaze.

“What?” Emmett smiled teasingly at Xanthie. “You don’t want that?”

Xanthie couldn’t answer Emmett as confusion and unwillingness stirred inside him.

“Look at you, looking so unwilling.” Emmett said while chuckling at Xanthie and shaking his head. “Are you really that averse to the idea of Kade treating someone the same as he treats you?”

Am I? Xanthie was confused—no… he was bothered. Yes, that was the right term. Bothered. He was bothered because that seemed to be the case.

Emmett let out a sigh. “Ah, whatever. My head hurts.” He got up and took the document from Xanthie’s table before he bade goodbye to Xanthie. “I’ll call if something comes up. Bye.”

Xanthie just nodded at Emmett while remaining immobile in his seat. The idea that Kade might treat someone the same way he treated him made him feel complicated.

But why? It was not like he was Kade’s only friend. That’s right. Kade had other friends. Like Andrew and Hale. But those two didn’t bother him like he was bothered now.

Why is that? What’s the difference?

Xanthie was still mulling it over while having dinner.

“Is something bothering you?”

When Fey’s voice reached his ears, he blinked and calmed his thoughts. “Nothing much. Don’t mind me.”

“You look bothered.” Fey continued observing Xanthie. “Is it Kade?”

He blinked and asked Fey with a frown, “Why do you sound as if it was a given that when I’m bothered, it has something to do with Kade?”

“Is that not always the case…?”

Xanthie couldn’t rebuke Fey. It was indeed what she surmised. He was bothered because of Kade. Again.

Xanthie returned his attention to his plate. “Never mind.”

Throughout dinner, Xanthie remained silent. Bothersome thoughts that he couldn’t get rid of preoccupied his mind.

After dinner, he went to his studio and busied himself with composing a soundtrack for a film.

The melody from the piano filled the room for hours until it gradually died down as dawn approached. Only when sunrise seeped through the thin curtain did Xanthie stop and sleep on his bed in his studio.

KADE WAS AWARE how much his emotions fluctuated in a day. They changed at the drop of a hat, without warning. Right after he woke up, he felt empty. After breakfast, he felt heavy. Before lunch, he didn’t want to move. After lunch and taking medicine, he felt like laughing. Then later in the day, he went back to feeling empty, followed by anger.

Kade felt like he was losing his mind and he only had his medicine to keep himself in check.

It was exhausting.

In addition to his mood changes, his sleep had become scarce once again and when he was lucky and rewarded with sleep, all he did was dream.

Dreams that could never come true. It was a nightmare every time he woke up. It was more exhausting and terrifying than not falling asleep at all.

He wanted a dreamless sleep, but when did things go his way?

Although from the outside, hiding all his struggles, was a smile, as if he was having a blast.

“How are you feeling today?” His mother asked as they called room service and shared breakfast in their suite.

His automatic answer was “I’m fine”, but he held it down and told his mother the truth with a smile. “Horrible.”

Seeing the casual smile on Kade’s lips while saying “horrible”, Kaye could only sigh at her son. She felt helpless because there was nothing she could do for him. All she could do was be there, and she felt powerless.

“Is there anything you want to do today? You never leave the hotel. Go out for once. Don’t you feel cooped up in here?” Kaye was trying to treat Kade the way she treated him before. Kade’s doctor advised her not to change the way she treated him or to become obsessively caring. It might make Kade uncomfortable.

Kade sipped his coffee as if he was a refined gentleman and calmly replied, “I feel like my mind is fucked up these days. I don’t want to get attacks in the middle of the street.”

Kaye looked at her son, who had a calm face and a casual smile. “Kade, you don’t have to force yourself to smile around me.”

“Let my smile be, mom. It’s the only weapon I have in the war with myself. If I lose it too, I don’t think I’ll last long.”

“Kade…”

“I feel like shit today, so,” he finished his coffee and stood up. “I’ll be in my room.”

He didn’t feel like seeing anyone today and, for some reason, his hand was craving a brush and paint. “Ah, fuck.” It seemed like old habits die hard.

But his mood worsened even more when he picked up his phone to read Xanthie’s latest message.

Xanthie: Just arrived with Fey. See you.

He rubbed his face in frustration before he pulled himself together. It had been a year since he last saw Fey. He always felt uncomfortable interacting with her. Maybe it’s because of jealousy, but the most prominent feeling was suffocation.

Every time he saw Fey, he felt mentally and emotionally suffocated. And when he saw her standing beside Xanthie, the spot he craved the most but couldn’t have, the suffocation would become so extreme that it would turn him numb… until there was no emotion left to feel.

Only then could he face Xanthie and Fey together with his sharpest weapon and thickest shield—his smile.

“So tiresome.” He muttered under his breath before dropping his body onto the bed. He had a feeling that he would be more exhausted upon meeting Xanthie and Fey. He couldn’t really openly avoid them.

I have to act. Play the role I chose for myself so I can stay beside Xanthie. Just like before. Act normally. Act like how a best friend would. That’s my role. Don’t deviate from my role and stay headstrong.

Yes. He could do it. After this, the only time he would see those two together again was at their wedding.

And after that, he would not see them again.

Kade breathed out and closed his eyes. He just wanted to clear his mind. He didn’t realize he had fallen asleep until he woke up from a nightmare.

“Fuck…” he stared at the ceiling. “Just how long am I going to be like this…?”

Wanting to clear his mind, he got up and took a quick shower. And when he saw the time after stepping out of the shower, he put some sweatpants on and took the medicines from the secret compartment of his luggage before stepping out of his room without a shirt on to get a glass of water.

Droplets of water from his wet hair were cascading down his nape, neck and clavicle, but Kade paid no mind and continued walking toward the kitchen.

However, his feet stopped walking when he neared the living room and saw three people on the sofa. They were all looking at him as if he interrupted a lively conversation.

Kade’s eyes casually swept over the three individuals—his mother, Xanthie and Fey—before silently walking toward the kitchen to get his glass of water while trying to control the suffocation that had started to make his head spin.

He did not even ask himself why Xanthie and Fey were in their hotel room. He was sure that Xanthie contacted his mother.

For some reason, Xanthie and his mom were quite close. When he stopped contacting his parents’ way back in college, it was Xanthie who kept in contact with his mother, updating her about his well being and stuff.

Suddenly, his mind wandered back to the couple on the long sofa. Xanthie and Fey.

Instantly, he felt suffocated. Medicine. Let’s take medicine.

Meanwhile, in the living room, a frown was visible in Xanthie’s eyebrows. “Mama Kaye… what happened to Kade?”

Kaye sighed. “He couldn’t sleep well these past few days, even with the help of medicine.”

Xanthie’s frown turned into anxious worry. “Is his insomnia acting up again? Was that why he lost weight? And the dark circles under his eyes…”

Hearing Xanthie’s question, Kaye immediately understood that Xanthie knew nothing of Kade’s condition. It somehow made her heart ache. “Yeah… his insomnia is getting worse.”

Xanthie hurriedly got up and left the living room to follow Kade toward the kitchen. He was ready to scold Kade, to make him confess what was going on with him, but all of that flew away and his mind went blank when he saw Kade holding a knife over his own throat with an empty look on his face.

Kade looked so empty and lifeless, as if nothing interested him anymore.

Then he heard four cold, emotionless words from Kade’s mouth that made Xanthie’s blood run cold.

“Should I just die?”

CECELIB | C.C.

CHAPTER 8

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CHAPTER 9

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CHAPTER 10

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CHAPTER 11

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CHAPTER 12

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CHAPTER 13

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CHAPTER 14

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CHAPTER 15

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CHAPTER 16

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CHAPTER 17

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CHAPTER 18

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CHAPTER 19

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CHAPTER 20

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CHAPTER 21

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CHAPTER 22

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CHAPTER 23

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CHAPTER 24

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CHAPTER 25

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CHAPTER 26

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CHAPTER 27

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CHAPTER 28

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CHAPTER 29

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CHAPTER 30

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CHAPTER 31

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CHAPTER 32

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CHAPTER 33

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CHAPTER 34

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CHAPTER 35

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CHAPTER 36

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CHAPTER 37

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Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

CHAPTER 38

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

CHAPTER 39

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

CHAPTER 40

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

CHAPTER 41

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

CHAPTER 42

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

CHAPTER 43

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

CHAPTER 44

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

CHAPTER 45

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

CHAPTER 46

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

CHAPTER 47

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

CHAPTER 48

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

CHAPTER 49

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

CHAPTER 50

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

CHAPTER 51

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

CHAPTER 52

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

CHAPTER 53

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

CHAPTER 54

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

CHAPTER 55

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

CHAPTER 56

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

CHAPTER 57

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

CHAPTER 58

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

CHAPTER 59

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

EPILOGUE

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

SPECIAL CHAPTER: Lorenz-Black Family

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.

✨ CeCeLib’s 10th Anniversary Event ✨

This story is part of the Paid Stories program, a selection of exclusive stories that help support Wattpad writers. Click here to continue reading on the Wattpad app.

Esta historia pertenece al programa de Historias Pagadas, una selección exclusiva de historias con las que apoyas a escritores de Wattpad. Da click aquí para seguir leyendo en la aplicación.